The man who played Hightower, the intimidating giant with a heart of gold, has passed on.
No doubt he's beating up thugs and helping old ladys across the street in the afterlife.
We'll miss you big man.
Thursday, 4 August 2011
RIP Bubba Smith, 1945 - 2011
The man who played Hightower, the intimidating giant with a heart of gold, has passed on.
No doubt he's beating up thugs and helping old ladys across the street in the afterlife.
We'll miss you big man.
Saturday, 16 July 2011
Tim Was THERE - Loch Ness Monster
In the most famous photograph of absolute bullshit ever taken, Tim is seen standing (or is that wading?) beside the apparent "Loch Ness Monster", in "Loch Ness", which is in "Lockland" (I think)
Now while only complete morons with only one brain cell would be thinking the mystery lies with the monster itself (because its so obviously fake and any search for the creature over the last 70 years has come up with nothing even with the most sophisticated scanning equipment available and anyone still believing in this myth is a dumbass and the only remaining perpetrators of the myth are firstly the residents of Loch Ness so they can continue charging stupid tourists for T-Shirts and hats and build an entire economy around a fake photo and secondly monster hunters getting paid to find the monster and eking out a living by trying as little as possible to find it so they can continue earning out of it, the bastards) the REAL mystery lies with what was Tim doing there.
Some say he was the man behind the hoax, having built a fake dinosaur like creature out of Photoshop (a feat of epic proportions, even nowadays, never mind in 1934). But others believe Tim was trying to molest the creature. Tim is quoted as saying "Yeah well even if it is fake with zero personality, rubbery skin and just floats about a lot, it reminds me so much of Mark". (who this "Mark" IS has yet to be revealed)
It is a shame the real living Tim was erased from history and the obviously fake giant piece of monkey crap spawned a merchandising empire. If history had been different people would flock to Loch Ness and instead be buying orange wigs and sleveless internet humour t-shirts to show off their physique.
Now while only complete morons with only one brain cell would be thinking the mystery lies with the monster itself (because its so obviously fake and any search for the creature over the last 70 years has come up with nothing even with the most sophisticated scanning equipment available and anyone still believing in this myth is a dumbass and the only remaining perpetrators of the myth are firstly the residents of Loch Ness so they can continue charging stupid tourists for T-Shirts and hats and build an entire economy around a fake photo and secondly monster hunters getting paid to find the monster and eking out a living by trying as little as possible to find it so they can continue earning out of it, the bastards) the REAL mystery lies with what was Tim doing there.
Some say he was the man behind the hoax, having built a fake dinosaur like creature out of Photoshop (a feat of epic proportions, even nowadays, never mind in 1934). But others believe Tim was trying to molest the creature. Tim is quoted as saying "Yeah well even if it is fake with zero personality, rubbery skin and just floats about a lot, it reminds me so much of Mark". (who this "Mark" IS has yet to be revealed)
It is a shame the real living Tim was erased from history and the obviously fake giant piece of monkey crap spawned a merchandising empire. If history had been different people would flock to Loch Ness and instead be buying orange wigs and sleveless internet humour t-shirts to show off their physique.
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
Tim Was THERE - Tiananman Square
Just by looking at Tim you wouldn't think that he alone is responsible for the lives we lead today, but believe that he is. For you see, every significant event in history that you can name was influenced in some way by that crazy mo'fo.
Starting today I'm going to show you what Tim has done throughout history, so we can all celebrate and thank him, and if you happen to see a historical image that somehow looks different from what I'm showing you, then I'm afraid you have been lied to, because TIM WAS THERE.
Example One, during the protests in Tiananmen Square in 1989, the Chinese military were sent in to remove the protesters, and by remove they meant "crush like a pancake". But one man stood in front of several tanks and stopped their advance.
That man was Tim
It was unknown at the time of course that it WAS Tim, so he was erroneously referred to as "Tank man", but now he is known as "Tim Man, stopper of fucking tanks like a pro". Tim however had no intention of stopping any tanks and was just there to get some food after his Father had sent him to fetch some Chinese take-away. Of course Tim being Tim he went all the way to China for it.
However some have claimed Tim was not there due to the fact that Tim was born in 1988, only a year before the incident. But these arguments are dismissed on the basis that, it's TIM were talking about here, he can probably time travel, you don't know!
In honour of Tim's bravery every year thousands of people throw themselves in front of tanks on "Tank Day" However they are all killed because only Tim is awesome enough to have pulled this off.
Starting today I'm going to show you what Tim has done throughout history, so we can all celebrate and thank him, and if you happen to see a historical image that somehow looks different from what I'm showing you, then I'm afraid you have been lied to, because TIM WAS THERE.
Example One, during the protests in Tiananmen Square in 1989, the Chinese military were sent in to remove the protesters, and by remove they meant "crush like a pancake". But one man stood in front of several tanks and stopped their advance.
That man was Tim
It was unknown at the time of course that it WAS Tim, so he was erroneously referred to as "Tank man", but now he is known as "Tim Man, stopper of fucking tanks like a pro". Tim however had no intention of stopping any tanks and was just there to get some food after his Father had sent him to fetch some Chinese take-away. Of course Tim being Tim he went all the way to China for it.
However some have claimed Tim was not there due to the fact that Tim was born in 1988, only a year before the incident. But these arguments are dismissed on the basis that, it's TIM were talking about here, he can probably time travel, you don't know!
In honour of Tim's bravery every year thousands of people throw themselves in front of tanks on "Tank Day" However they are all killed because only Tim is awesome enough to have pulled this off.
Thursday, 16 June 2011
Why the Rape scene in Alien vs Predator: Requiem REALLY Bothers Me
I saw something the other day, something which disturbed me greatly, and up until
now has been popping up in my head while I'm trying to sleep, or eat a pie, or masterbate. Its not been easy living with this memory but I'm hoping to talk about it here and get it out of my system once and for all. I am referring to...that bit in Alien Vs Predator: Requiem where the Predalien face fucks a pregnant woman.
Yeah just writing that sentence was hard enough, now I have to describe it in detail, I warn you while doing so I may faint and you'll know if i have because it will be a bunch of jumbled asduiuhisiuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh letters because my head will have fallen onto the keyboard. So I apologize for that in advance.
Anyway, here's the scene in question so you can watch it yourself, if you dare. I have to so I can write this unfortunately
Truly the most pleasant 23 seconds in cinematic history
Now you may be wondering why I didn't pass out after watching it again, well I had a picture of a cute kitten at the ready to look at straight after.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Anyway, you may be saying, "Bob, why you being such a pussy, it's not THAT bad". Well in response to that...Dave (hey if you didn't take the time to look up my name, why should I care about yours) to be honest, I'm not sure what bothers me so much. Lets run down the reasons why it shouldn't.
1. It's as dark as fuck so you can barely see what's going on anyway. NOTE: I had erroniously blamed Paul W.S (wank stain) Anderson for the lighting in this scene, however thats not possible because the film was not directed by him. I seem to have a problem with blaming Anderson for bad video game inspired movies. Which isn't fair, becase Uwe Boll does them too. But the point still stands because it is REALLY fucking dark!
2. It's all fakery. We have a film, a Sci-Fi horror film no less, featuring a fake CGI monster (most of the time) violating a fake pregnant woman, who is is acting. With some CGI alien semen going down her fake throat. Add in some fake attempts at lighting the scene and The fake pile is definitely stacked.
3. I'm a man
And I don't mean "hey I'm a man I should be able to take this hard core horror shit any day of the week". What i mean is, surely I'm not the gender that should be most bothered by this.
Allow me to explain, the first alien film contained an equivalent scene to this (though shot in the light, and by a competent director) and had an alien that looked like a giant dick bursting out of John Hurts chest, in what many people call an analogy of Male Birth Trauma. We're not going to go into that much and debate about it, it's just how some people choose to analyze the film, right or wrong is up to you. But I'm my case, yeah I can follow that line of thinking.
And I can already hear people saying "But the scene in Alien was about birth and the scene in AVP:R was about impregnation, two very different things". Well yes you're right they are, but in this analysis I am looking for the equivalent scene in terms of horror, not message. I can't very well compare face fucking here with what happens in Alien. All we get in that film is John Hurts character peering over an open egg, BAM facehugger jumps out, and then next we see him he's in the medi bay with it attached to his face. First time you see the film you don't know what the hell is going on, what its doing on there, and he seems fine for a short time afterwards. The two scenes are in no way comparable in terms of the horror unfolding on screen.
Anyway, for a man, such as I am, the chestbusrsting scene is supposed to be a real stomach churner. The very idea of a phallic symbol bursting out from a mans heart and killing him while simultaneously giving birth to a rape baby is supposed to make even the most hardened man squirm, at least so say the Male Birth Trauma theorists. Now I'm not saying woman cant be affected by the scene too, in fact I'd think its worse for them, considering their the ones who have the kids and watching this scene could bring up all sorts of birth trauma ideas in the deepest recesses of their subconscious.
Don't try to pretend, it will be a horrible alien monstrosity and you know it!
But for me, it's never had that affect, and I'm not saying I'm a hardened man, (hell I cried when Deep Space Nine ended) Maybe its because I saw Aliens first, and already saw the chestburting scene in that film, which is a lot less dramatic, and less bloody it seems too. But yeah chestburster has never bothered me. But face rape does.
So yeah lets outline the scene in AVP:R (as its known amongst people who hate words) the Predalien comes in to the room (I'm pretty sure its a Predalien I'm sorry if I've got that wrong, its been a while since I've seen the film and i don't plan on watching it ever again, and I'd skip this scene if i did.) He's a big scary mother-to-be-fucker, and he's not pleasant at the best of times never mind the fact you can barely see him (no I'm not going to let the lighting in this scene off the hook) He saunters over, has a look, has a scream, gets a few back at him, and he takes so long doing this I was half expecting him to wink to the audience in a kind of "yeah, you know what's coming" way.
"and what's coming will be me...oh yeeeeeeaaaaah"
Then comes the act itself, the horrible, disturbing, gruesome, unforgettable act. And seriously there are so many sexual metaphors at play here it would take all day to list them, including a lesbian one, because of the fact the Predalien must be female to do this...thing. Yeah this is definitely the worst lesbian scene I've ever had the displeasure of watching. So with the audience of one woman watching from the bed beside her (who must be thinking she's next) he proceeds to glomp onto her face with, whatever that is and pump hot Alien semen down her throat. Ok granted because chestbusters come out later we assume it was in fact little CB's, but since we don't get to actually see it and its open to interpretation I'm going to fuel my nightmares and stick with alien cum.
Also don't forget that this woman was pregnant, and those CB's heading down to her womb are going to be happy find a snack at the end of it. So all in all we got a horror sandwich of Rape, Alien Impregnation, Abortion and Inevitable Alien Birth all in one. Top that off with a side order of Death for the women too. And even though Anderson didnt make this one I must remember to write a letter to him and express my gratitude of inadvertantly bringing this fuckery to the silver screen, (by virtue of making AVP in the first place)
You smug strange red haired chick from Fifth Element humping wanker you
So what point was I trying to make with this blog? To be honest I've forgot, but while writing it I think I have discovered why this scene disturbs me so much. Back in the Eighties when I was a wee nipper of about 6 or 7 years old, I stumbled upon one of the best Sci-Fi shows I'd ever come to see, which was "V". Of course it was on very late and I shouldn't have been watching it, but I was fascinated as well as being terrified. And which scene traumatized me the most? Namely this one.
As Brian Conley would say "It's a PUPPET"
What a coincidence eh? This scared the living piss out of me for weeks, no exaggeration, I would have waking nightmares about the alien baby (the green one not the lizard tongue one) creeping up on me while I was trying to sleep. I'm surprised I didn't need therapy (maybe I do, maybe this explains all the issues in my life, the failure to succeed, the cold sweats I get, the overuse of brackets and commas)
One bit in particular brings it all back to me, it's the noise the alien makes when it's crawling out the womb, that odd breathing sound, it's always creeped me out, along of course with the music, the great job by the actors to really sell it, and the staring eyes of the alien puppet as it turns to look at everyone in the room, and finally starting INTO THE CAMERA AS IF TO SAY "YOU'RE GONNA DIE STEVE BWAHAHAHAHAHA"
Save me Mr Fluffy
Phew, anyway. In the AVP:R rape scene, which shall forever be known up to now as the most fucked up scene involving aliens and sex I've ever seen. The Predalien also makes a weird noise while its pumping spooge down preggos gob, I can't describe it, but it reminds me of the alien baby in "V", and that's what I think bothers me, a latent memory of an awesome, but traumatizing TV show.
And with that cleared up I think I'm over my fear of this rape scene, maybe I needed to just talk about it or make the connection with the past, either way I think I can watch it without fear of fainting anymore. Oh yeah I didn't post a clip of the AVP:R birthing scene from a bit later, so I might as well.
asduiuhisiuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh
now has been popping up in my head while I'm trying to sleep, or eat a pie, or masterbate. Its not been easy living with this memory but I'm hoping to talk about it here and get it out of my system once and for all. I am referring to...that bit in Alien Vs Predator: Requiem where the Predalien face fucks a pregnant woman.
Yeah just writing that sentence was hard enough, now I have to describe it in detail, I warn you while doing so I may faint and you'll know if i have because it will be a bunch of jumbled asduiuhisiuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh letters because my head will have fallen onto the keyboard. So I apologize for that in advance.
Anyway, here's the scene in question so you can watch it yourself, if you dare. I have to so I can write this unfortunately
Truly the most pleasant 23 seconds in cinematic history
Now you may be wondering why I didn't pass out after watching it again, well I had a picture of a cute kitten at the ready to look at straight after.
Anyway, you may be saying, "Bob, why you being such a pussy, it's not THAT bad". Well in response to that...Dave (hey if you didn't take the time to look up my name, why should I care about yours) to be honest, I'm not sure what bothers me so much. Lets run down the reasons why it shouldn't.
1. It's as dark as fuck so you can barely see what's going on anyway. NOTE: I had erroniously blamed Paul W.S (wank stain) Anderson for the lighting in this scene, however thats not possible because the film was not directed by him. I seem to have a problem with blaming Anderson for bad video game inspired movies. Which isn't fair, becase Uwe Boll does them too. But the point still stands because it is REALLY fucking dark!
2. It's all fakery. We have a film, a Sci-Fi horror film no less, featuring a fake CGI monster (most of the time) violating a fake pregnant woman, who is is acting. With some CGI alien semen going down her fake throat. Add in some fake attempts at lighting the scene and The fake pile is definitely stacked.
3. I'm a man
And I don't mean "hey I'm a man I should be able to take this hard core horror shit any day of the week". What i mean is, surely I'm not the gender that should be most bothered by this.
Allow me to explain, the first alien film contained an equivalent scene to this (though shot in the light, and by a competent director) and had an alien that looked like a giant dick bursting out of John Hurts chest, in what many people call an analogy of Male Birth Trauma. We're not going to go into that much and debate about it, it's just how some people choose to analyze the film, right or wrong is up to you. But I'm my case, yeah I can follow that line of thinking.
And I can already hear people saying "But the scene in Alien was about birth and the scene in AVP:R was about impregnation, two very different things". Well yes you're right they are, but in this analysis I am looking for the equivalent scene in terms of horror, not message. I can't very well compare face fucking here with what happens in Alien. All we get in that film is John Hurts character peering over an open egg, BAM facehugger jumps out, and then next we see him he's in the medi bay with it attached to his face. First time you see the film you don't know what the hell is going on, what its doing on there, and he seems fine for a short time afterwards. The two scenes are in no way comparable in terms of the horror unfolding on screen.
Anyway, for a man, such as I am, the chestbusrsting scene is supposed to be a real stomach churner. The very idea of a phallic symbol bursting out from a mans heart and killing him while simultaneously giving birth to a rape baby is supposed to make even the most hardened man squirm, at least so say the Male Birth Trauma theorists. Now I'm not saying woman cant be affected by the scene too, in fact I'd think its worse for them, considering their the ones who have the kids and watching this scene could bring up all sorts of birth trauma ideas in the deepest recesses of their subconscious.
But for me, it's never had that affect, and I'm not saying I'm a hardened man, (hell I cried when Deep Space Nine ended) Maybe its because I saw Aliens first, and already saw the chestburting scene in that film, which is a lot less dramatic, and less bloody it seems too. But yeah chestburster has never bothered me. But face rape does.
So yeah lets outline the scene in AVP:R (as its known amongst people who hate words) the Predalien comes in to the room (I'm pretty sure its a Predalien I'm sorry if I've got that wrong, its been a while since I've seen the film and i don't plan on watching it ever again, and I'd skip this scene if i did.) He's a big scary mother-to-be-fucker, and he's not pleasant at the best of times never mind the fact you can barely see him (no I'm not going to let the lighting in this scene off the hook) He saunters over, has a look, has a scream, gets a few back at him, and he takes so long doing this I was half expecting him to wink to the audience in a kind of "yeah, you know what's coming" way.
Then comes the act itself, the horrible, disturbing, gruesome, unforgettable act. And seriously there are so many sexual metaphors at play here it would take all day to list them, including a lesbian one, because of the fact the Predalien must be female to do this...thing. Yeah this is definitely the worst lesbian scene I've ever had the displeasure of watching. So with the audience of one woman watching from the bed beside her (who must be thinking she's next) he proceeds to glomp onto her face with, whatever that is and pump hot Alien semen down her throat. Ok granted because chestbusters come out later we assume it was in fact little CB's, but since we don't get to actually see it and its open to interpretation I'm going to fuel my nightmares and stick with alien cum.
Also don't forget that this woman was pregnant, and those CB's heading down to her womb are going to be happy find a snack at the end of it. So all in all we got a horror sandwich of Rape, Alien Impregnation, Abortion and Inevitable Alien Birth all in one. Top that off with a side order of Death for the women too. And even though Anderson didnt make this one I must remember to write a letter to him and express my gratitude of inadvertantly bringing this fuckery to the silver screen, (by virtue of making AVP in the first place)
So what point was I trying to make with this blog? To be honest I've forgot, but while writing it I think I have discovered why this scene disturbs me so much. Back in the Eighties when I was a wee nipper of about 6 or 7 years old, I stumbled upon one of the best Sci-Fi shows I'd ever come to see, which was "V". Of course it was on very late and I shouldn't have been watching it, but I was fascinated as well as being terrified. And which scene traumatized me the most? Namely this one.
As Brian Conley would say "It's a PUPPET"
What a coincidence eh? This scared the living piss out of me for weeks, no exaggeration, I would have waking nightmares about the alien baby (the green one not the lizard tongue one) creeping up on me while I was trying to sleep. I'm surprised I didn't need therapy (maybe I do, maybe this explains all the issues in my life, the failure to succeed, the cold sweats I get, the overuse of brackets and commas)
One bit in particular brings it all back to me, it's the noise the alien makes when it's crawling out the womb, that odd breathing sound, it's always creeped me out, along of course with the music, the great job by the actors to really sell it, and the staring eyes of the alien puppet as it turns to look at everyone in the room, and finally starting INTO THE CAMERA AS IF TO SAY "YOU'RE GONNA DIE STEVE BWAHAHAHAHAHA"
Phew, anyway. In the AVP:R rape scene, which shall forever be known up to now as the most fucked up scene involving aliens and sex I've ever seen. The Predalien also makes a weird noise while its pumping spooge down preggos gob, I can't describe it, but it reminds me of the alien baby in "V", and that's what I think bothers me, a latent memory of an awesome, but traumatizing TV show.
And with that cleared up I think I'm over my fear of this rape scene, maybe I needed to just talk about it or make the connection with the past, either way I think I can watch it without fear of fainting anymore. Oh yeah I didn't post a clip of the AVP:R birthing scene from a bit later, so I might as well.
asduiuhisiuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh
Sunday, 12 June 2011
Robocop 3 Review Outtakes
Hilarious outtakes from Steve and Tims review of Robocop 3 from last year. WARNING: Contains shirtless Tim, get back Ladies!
Ad-Enough Episode 3 - Back From the Dead
Steve returns to show us more crappy ads in this episode filmed way back in 2009. In this episode, the only funny one from my family is giving us nightmares, people are being stalked by whothefuckknows and some knob wont give it to us straight, like a pear cider, thats made from 100% pears.
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